Lead me to my treasures......

The thought of my first day at high school crossed my mind the other day. I was trying to remember what that day entailed and what it held in terms of importance but the details are indeed a bit hazy. But what I do remember is how I felt on that day which ultimately turned out to be a very successful first year at high school followed by more successful years. The reason I am writing about this??? Well sitting in my parents' house and seeing the little shrine they built as a tribute to my academic feats at school set it off........

Primary School was probably one of the most painful and cruelest experiences I encountered as a kid. Being different from age 6 already, I did tend to stand out. Here was this boy who knew that whatever he put his mind to was no big deal as he would make it work and to top it off he had this unbelievable feminine flair! So I obviously got attention (not the kind a kid should get) wherever I found myself. Boys, particularly, only knew that being nasty and cruel was a fun way to pass the break times without the teachers being around to protect me.


Despite all this, I managed to still excel at school as I had a clear mission. There is a treasure on the other side! Just stay strong, don't pay any attention to silly people and keep going! Eye on the goal little one. Now I realise that that voice was my mom's which is exactly what I tell myself these days to move forward. I ended up being Head Boy at primary school and what a power position that turned out be. Little me had arrived and beat all those cruel a$$eS that teased me to be the pick of the standard. I loved every minute of my senior year at primary school.

So the time to attend High School came along and despite all the warnings of the teachers that we would be the babies, finding ourselves at the bottom of the food chain, the horror stories of initiation, I found myself strangely excited and looking forward to the new adventure. I was on the brink of adulthood!!!! What could be more exciting than that. Finally being an adult............................


Academic accolades (as in had to get the trophy for top student for every academic subject I was doing) was my thing throughout primary school and I was excited to see if I could accomplish the same feat at High School. There was a bigger pool and from the research I did on Day 1 at High School, all the top students from each of the four primary schools in the community where in my base class for the year. Delicious competition! This boy could network back in the day already ;-)

My first year of High School turned out to be a rather successful one. I only hung out with matriculants thanks to my cousins (super babes) that were very popular in high school and who loved me to bits so I got to hang out with them and by default the rest fell into place! I met new friends and could not believe how much bigger my world was getting. The teasing and torture for being different stopped. I ended the year with 7 out of 8 trophies. I had to settle for one runner up accolade but hey it was worth a try. But I guess ending up being the academic supreme (top student for the standard 6's) was one of the sweet highlights of that year.


When I look back at that now. I see how faith that my treasure would come made it all possible really. I went on to have a very successful time at high school when I think of it. I gained respect for who I was despite being different to the "jocks" or even the "nerds". I was just CrazeeBee, an individual and a person. I got to make the difference to the kids in the work I took on to make our "coloured"/government school just as good as those Model C and Private Schools! For me it is just great to see that even at that stage where hormones and emotions can get out of control and one does some silly stuff to deal with it all, I somehow managed to get through it to my treasures and yes, I am very grateful for the treasures that exist in my life today. I am one lucky and happy boy as a result.



I was wondering why was this all bubbling up????


Well maybe just a check point to say things are shifting again. My priorities are changing! World is expanding! That there are new treasures on the horizon that do not involve all this competing and constantly striving to be the best! Maybe it is just awesome to just be you!?! Very much new territory I am getting into finding bliss without competing! Scary stuff! Trusting that the treasures are there and that I have all I need within me to make them a reality. I have enough guidance and intelligence at my disposal to navigate successfully to where I need to be.

So we will see where this takes me. Right now I am faced with potential projects where I will be challenged for sure in terms of making some significant life changes, start from the bottom and need to work my way to being empowered and an asset! One is in Cape Town and the other is outside South Africa (confirmation pending so will hush till then). Hate the crossroad personally but it lets me know that a treasure is waiting with whichever path is walked.........................


Looking at back at that first day of High School and realising that the world was bigger than being the Head Boy and Dux of Primary School to where my world is now! It is being BLESSED beyond what I could have dreamt of back then and then how exciting when one looks forward and says, geez in another 10 years I will look back and take this fond trip down memory lane.

How every time I chose to do what was in front of me with my best game and passion and how it prepared me for the next opportunity and the next and the next. And when I really think about it, how it all came together for treasures I never saw coming. Treasures of wisdom, love, prosperity, amazing experiences and creativity.

So God/Universe/Higher Power - here is Crazeebee trusting and placing faith that I am being lead to more wonderful treasures................................................Let's Do This!!!

Halo

I grew up in the good old town of Pietermaritzburg, KZN. My parents were firm believers that PMB was the place to raise kids which would enable them to walk the earth with some sort of strong moral fibre and a sense of good values! One day, I should ask my mom and dad how we fare these days seeing we have taken over heading up our lives for some years now ;-)





Anyhoo, this does mean that I make the trek to PMB for at least one of the big holidays in any year. This year it was Easter! Life got in the way and there I was on Wednesday evening, faced with expensive air tickets and then decided, oh hell, let me drive! How bad can it be?



On the way and completely overdosed on my favourite Diva's belting out emotion and vocal gymnastics, I switch from playlist to radio and there was Beyonce belting out Halo on East Coast Radio. She managed the number 2 spot on the top songs of the week list! I am very positive that I must have been open to hear something from the universe because somehow I lapped up all the words of the song and here is where it took me....................................................



There is a part of me that believes that there are people in this world that see through our bullshit, our walls and our spikes of protection. They see our core, and our beauty even though we keep asking what are you on? They have a knowing of what is tucked away under all those protective layers we have. These are true angels to us and gifts to be appreciated for what they bring to our lives.

There is also those people we just click with! No real understanding of who they are from long conversation or the benefit of time and exposure. Just getting that good feeling deep down that there is something they have innate in them that appeals to you and something you need to get a piece of or bask in.




There is a school of thought that says that all relationships in our lives exist to enlighten us as we move forward on our path. It is all ego that wants us to believe that we get completed by that other person. We are whole when we have that special one in our lives to share, grow with and witness us living and experiencing. The aim is to take a look at all our relationships and leverage them as vehicles to enlighten us. Within relationships, there are perfect reflections back to us of the stuff we need to take note of.


This sentiment is finding a space within me and is growing. I can see how applicable this has been in my life. I can say that I have witnessed such beauty in all people that have touched my life. I have been inspired to be better, torn down to learn that no matter what, I can bounce back! I have been challenged to end up walking away validated in my core of what I stand for and in other cases operate on a new level of understanding.


So with that, I give thanks for the angels in my life currently and for those to come – I am all about further enlightenment………………………bring it on!

He’s just not that into you!...........Yes? No? Maybe?

This was inspired by a discussion I was having with one of “my girls” the other night (legitimate girl! The types naturally blessed by God with girly assets and sexy ones when I think about it!). It was our ritual let’s catch up and share over some awesome red wine.

She shared and I had to pull out the “He’s just not that into you” card for us to get real with her particular situation. I loved it when that concept hit the scene from the Sex and the City series. Brilliant stuff from those writers! You are my heroes! Oprah was right! It was that good that all women need to put that book on their night stands! When in doubt about a man, read the book. I personally bought the book and must say it has made the world of difference to how I deal with being single and my undertaking of adventures with potential partners.





My sentiment when discovering this phrase was summed up beautifully by Miranda in that Sex and the City episode “If I had known this earlier, it would have saved me years of therapy!” Loved that!

So there I was feeling all proud of myself for getting one of my girls back on track to focusing on her life and not letting some unsure confusing man cause her unnecessary therapy or time pondering! But I did not bargain for the next day where I was called to put my talk in my walk. It was time for this meisie to strut her wisdom on the catwalk with the following scenario…………………..

Encounters of the “straight” man that flirts with a gay boy!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!! Experience number “I lost count” ....................

I mean what is that all about? Are they closets, testing the waters, cock teasers or generally ego maniacs!!!!!???????!!!!!!

I believe that I have had more than my fair share of the above species in my life. And will admit that it has been on the decrease, the older and wiser I get. I am figuring that whole “I am worth so much more” and “please, I do not have the energy for your BULLSHIT” has finally kicked in. Thank you Crazeebee for seeing the light!

But it is funny how friends you trust play a role in cementing certain beliefs that you carry around. So if you lucky, you have an honest reflection of where you are or if you unlucky a delusional view!



The same kind of delusional view that makes certain people audition for Idols (they make it such a painful experience to watch!) and then proudly say “I have talent, all my friends tell me that!” And I am left thinking: FIRE THOSE FRIENDS, THEY BULLSHITTING YOU!!! AARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT SING!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for Randal/Simon for some reality check!

But digressing, anyhoooooooo……………my point continues……


Why do some of us get left with a MAYBE to the statement “He’s just not that into you”? It is either yes or no and never a maybe but for some the concept of maybe comes up way too often!

Is it the hopeless romantic people or the God syndrome that makes people believe that they will unlock that hidden love? Why are the criteria to get clear sooooo complex for some?

For me, flirting and moments of connection are all based on “that” feeling you get. It probably comes down to the trust yourself and your instincts and that your feeling about someone is real and is a sure bet!

What confuses some is their subtle statements that really do not leave one clear on what their intentions are, revealing their softer, vulnerable side when you alone and having moments of real sharing to be followed by being miles away at a later stage, even some that are not that subtle and get into wanting to understand what is on offer and then turn around with the sentiment of  "Pity you don't have a vagina!"  It can feel like a relationship with all the emotional and mental perks JUST NOT THE SEX / PHYSICAL INTIMACY! And that ladies and gentlemen, just ain’t good enough!

So what I know for sure at this point is that:

A man is a man and he makes a plan for what he really wants. There is no need for you to make it simple or difficult for him. All you really need to do is be yourself and let the rest take care of itself. If he wants something, he is going to make it happen. So while some agonise with maybe he is potentially into me, it really is NO! Because at the end of the day what is it that we all want?

To be loved for who we are just as we are. Not to be told, if only you were this, that or the other. It is having Mr Darcy rock up and say “I like you, just as you are” and when a man feels that inside him, he is making a plan.

So the bottom line, you order something on the menu, it comes to you half completed/done or not as promised, you are likely to send it back and demand it returned to you as specified. I guess that is how my mind sees this “straight” man who flirts with gay boys at this point.

NO THANK YOU! Try again when you know what you want……………!





All we really asked to do is enjoy the journey as it unfolds. I believe for me the real truth is the concept of being responsible for my own happiness and excitement in my life. The man is there to enhance it, teach us if there is something to learn but by no means define the path of our lives! With that in mind, here is to having fun with dating…………….moving along!

Barebacking: OMG How can it still exist???????

Online "dating"! I use the term loosely because dating can be many things these days. There is good old fashioned court platonically or meet merely to assess that the potential sex can work and then do it.

But a movement of Bareback sex is doing the rounds! Men are insisting that they only hook up for "BareBack" fun and do not even entertain the idea of condoms or try to convince the use of them!!! Would love to unpack that thinking further with people that practice this actively! I mean just to understand where they are  at!

All I could think was does that still exist in today's society. In the gay circles, I guess we have been accustomed to all treating condoms as a necessary part of sex. I mean we at this stage and age in life where if the mister downstairs gives the salute of approval, one is sleeping with the guy regardless of waiting for it to be "special" or waiting for the committed relationship. Fun is on the table, so enjoy it. Hence the condom becomes part of the process as you do not want the ghosts of sexual activities past in the deed!

And to add to it all, let us not forget our straight friends!!!!! Sex is just a big deal with them as it is with our gay folk! I know that in today's society sex has become more about fun and enjoying with whoever when you want it, with no other major considerations unlike what was previously drummed into our heads by our parents!

I struggle with lack of common sense!! Well from my framework and perspective at least!

Anyhoo......

My point is that I just cannot believe in today's world where we have more sexual liberation than ever and so much freedom of choice that some of us choose to not protect ourselves. For me it is in the same category as driving, flying or working with toxic chemicals! We take precautions proactively! No question!

Why is sex excluded especially in today's world with the HIV stats? Any of the reasoning below ring a bell?

- I wanted my man to feel free and not inhibited (CB Note: How much do you love yourself? Its's about your orgasm as well and while you at it, your SAFE orgasm?!?!)

- He pulls out in time so: I won't get pregnant (straight), no fluid exchange (gay) (CB Note: Oh, I am sorry! All men just stopped producing pre-cum. It must be global warming that is having this impact on them!!! All pre-cum is Fried away!!!! Yipee!!!!)

- Well he looks like he has not got HIV! I mean he looks healthy and besides he is clean and behaves like he was taught well, so I am sure he is fine! (CB Note: Forgive me, did not know you were a SuperHero person with the special ability to do visual blood analysis of a human being to make such an astute observation!)


- I only do this in first world countries or guys from first world countries! The stats are better so the probability is low they have HIV. (CB Note: Body Fluids are Body fluids!!! First world or Third world you still can get infected! But wow, very creative way to LIE to yourself!!!)



- I asked him if he was negative and he said yes and that was all I needed (CB Note: Wow, you underselling your talents for being a Human Lie Detector!)


- I am a top so I am rather low risk with such activities (CB Note: Note to self that you are a selfish BASTARD!!!)

I guess I have to come back to my bottom line with any human being I deal with. It is free will, choice and your responsibility! It is your path and you deal with consequence that results from that whether you choose to live consciously or unconsciously! It is interesting how most of us will do the necessary to ensure life runs smoothly but I guess sex may have a way to make all logic go out the window at times.

But Live and Let Live!

Breathe! It won't be long now!

So this has been a very fascinating journey: Me versus My Reflection! I remember times in my young life where I cringed everytime I saw a reflection of me anywhere. I mean how unfair to be stuck with that face, body, hair and skin colour. I hated it all! But looking back, I can smile and say that a sh1t load of healing has happened since those teen years!

But I am loving how with age, my eyes have become kinder and my jury has become one of encouragement rather than curse and condemn to the ugly/disgusting farm! Those inner critics are losing their sharp edge and becoming more that supportive yet honest friend that I have always yearned for. Some of them are dying as their power supply stops (previously fed by my shocking beliefs) and are silenced forever!

But this is what is confusing for me. It was about two months where I had some bad encounters in front of the mirror. It is customary for me now to strip in front of a mirror before I shower and about two months ago, a particular inner critic was back from retirement spitting venom and disgust all inside my head! I was living in Cape Town. I was on assignment there for a month. I believe that hotel living by the sea brought out my holiday spirit especially when it came to eating. I guess this inner critic just could control himself and had to engage in a field day whenever my reflection presented itself!

Being the outcomes based driver that I am! (personality profile also known as super B1tch/heartless Bastard who only worries/cares about the outcome not the person or means to getting the outcome) I hired a personal trainer immediately to "inspire" me back on track.

Thankfully, my trainer is lava hot so I am truly inspired to do my best and tempted brilliantly to do that extra set or exert that extra effort. God forbid all the lines I am getting on my face from strain and that butch side I never knew I had when I grunt in pain or spew some ugly words in some attempt to summon some source to help push/pull those damn weights!!

So it is a month later!

I am fitter as I am now able to burn lots of calories in one cardio session which includes a 2 km run, 2 km row and 1 km cross trainer/30 flights of stairs if I am in the mood for the StairMaster! (that is without mr trainer as inspiration and me walking around like it was nothing!) I also am less b1tchy to my trainer when I am asked to lift heavy weights or do the extra rep! I have progressed from b1tchy banter and WTF are you on????????? to OK, bring it on! I just love progress! Just lets me know that adapting and evolving are natural talents that the Universe blesses us humans with!!! Yum!

So now the inner critic is a bit more kinder when I strip down in front of the mirror. He is loving the toned legs, the firming a$$ and the shrinking BOEP! Although still harsh on the BOEP taking forever to disappear and the boobs that really should be pecs!?! Ja Ja, I am going on my trainer's words, "just Breathe, it won't be long now. Just keep going!"


But I am more on being kinder to myself when I look in that mirror! Yeah I am sure those endorphins play a role from all that activity and that the "oh so good feeling of accomplishment" makes it all look good when D Time comes in front of the mirror. But when I am 55 and not the mood to strain, run and do all that activity???? When my butt does say to gravity YOU WIN, and my BOEP says, give up already and let me be!! I am left with my particular inner critic who will definitely come out retirement to be b1tch galore!!!!!!!!!!!

I see a pattern, no endorphins from physical activity = harsh inner critic!!!???!!!

So I am all for being real with me! Yes if I am fat then I should be able to tell myself this. But there comes a maturity of dealing with truth that is not nasty, harsh or leaves you bleeding! And yes thank God on many levels a majority of my inner critics have retired / died purely because I stopped power supply to them or placed a nifty band aid on the situation.


But alas some still remain and I still engage with them when my reflection presents itself to me to love and accept.


So here is to cutting power supply to those inner critics that are no good for me and being brave to rip off the band aids and deal with the critics head on because at the end of the day, I see basing my bliss of looking in the mirror and loving what I see as temporary. As long as I am progressing, overdosing on endorphins and seeing my body manifest my hard work - I am happy! Maybe a consideration is to look at a concept and base my bliss on something that is eternally mine to keep and that this world cannot touch?





Breathe! It won't be long now!

Did you get that? Let me put it on BLAST!

Is the Universe really clear on what is good for me? Reason I am asking is because I feel I have so many conflicting desires that are constantly launched! So my question is how do I put what I really want on BLAST so it is clear to the Universe but more importantly I guess is the question around allowing it exist in my life?

I have had quite an interesting journey with the Law of Attraction. I guess it all started when I had this desire to reconcile being gay with being a Christian. I was very after does God really care who I sleep with or want to spend the rest of my life with?

Then came the book “Conversations with God” which was first introduced to me by a friend of mine that read it and found great comfort in the book. Many years later, I was at exclusive books at OR Thambo (JHB International in the day) and there was the book. I figured, I had a long flight and needed something to read besides all the favourite magazines. And that is where the journey started with understanding the Law Of Attraction.

So it is all about this concept of your sponsoring thought, that thought that is aligned perfectly with what you believe. This can only mean that this is what you vibrate at and hence the reality of your life is a mere reflection of that. When we pray to God, what we ask for and give thanks to will only manifest with what is our true vibration. Very simple concept in theory but so much more difficult to practice (My experience)

So comes “The Secret” which for me is very much the accessible, break it down practically use of the Law of Attraction.

But recently I am learning about a new dimension to all this. The art of allowing and letting go to flow with universal current! This coincides with the secret bottom line (feel like you will when you have it, feel worthy, believe like no other and give thanks for its existence even when it is not there physically).

I will admit trying Rhonda’s take on things and I found it very fake at first. Some of it worked and some of it did not and I know that it is all a function of me and where my head and heart was at. But what I did not come out of the experience with, was my pattern, my flava and my insight to understanding this!

My discovery of late is that we has humans, experience and as we experience, we desire, as we desire so does the Universal radar pick it up as we offer vibration, the Universe answers. Then we are now at the position of allowing it in, resisting or flowing with the current to wellness and bliss!
(Thanks to the Teachings of Abraham by Jerry and Ester Hicks for this gem of insight)

Like a maths formula, once you understand the elements, the formula makes sense and so does the answer that is logically deduced. That for me is the maze of the law of attraction right now. What does my maths formula entail to get my deliberate creations spot on?????????


So I know that I am allowing or resisting subconsciously and my desire to start making this all conscious and understanding the link to being deliberate in my creating and harnessing my divine powers for living my bliss.

So I dedicate this series to the journey of understanding deeper the mechanics of the “Law Of Attraction” that makes it real and practical for me! This is going to be sooooooooooo much fun



;-)