The Wiseman Nos 3 that was in my life is now haunting me! I am frustrated and annoyed by his presence. When I am around him, I am back in High School being teased by idiots for being different and not being a typical bloke! I am back trying soooooo hard to get my Dad’s approval for not being a hot blooded, butch straight male! I am back trying to be someone I am not to get some level of approval!
So Wiseman Nos 3 is someone from my past dating back 3 years ago when our paths first crossed. I was furiously attracted to him. At the time, I found him sexy, intoxicating and someone special in this world. I figured that if I could hook up with someone like him and having him love me would mean I was worth something. And so I went into the mode of being someone different to impress him, make him be in awe of me and dare I say love me.
He played his part. Seducing me with his charm and flattery. Just enough flattery to make me feel that there was something there to build something special on between the two of us. He sucked me in and before I knew it, I was selling my soul to make him happy and get his approval of who I was. I compromised the best in me in order to get his acknowledgment. My self esteem took a knock along with my ability to trust in myself like I used to.
But I broke free (not by choice might I say)! My life circumstance changed that forced me to move in new directions and this put distance between him and I. It was the greatest gift bestowed on me. Slowly, the pieces of me started to shine through all the bull and gunk that piled on over the 2 years of close proximity to Wiseman Nos 3 in my life. I started seeing what was good about me and that all that “perspective” that he fed me was a very intricate way of him breaking down my self esteem and self belief. I don't believe it was intentional on his side but this how it impacted me. I mean for every good thing there was to say about me, he always offered me context that what I was naturally was not great because there was a perfect explanation as to why it looked like a once off and not being something I could trust and rely on as a gift! That is how he chipped away at me.
Anyhoo, the point is that by distance, I got in touch with the great in me again and I could not believe how amazing life was because I was simply started being myself and all this great stuff was happening around me as a result of that. I was adored and opportunities just came effortlessly. I was BACK!
So almost a year later of distance between myself and Wiseman Nos 3, it looks like our paths will be crossing once again. My natural tendency is to go on the defense and fight him aggressively. That I will not give into his chirps at me, his talent at finding an opening in making me feel like an idiot, not lovable and not worthy! Deep down, I know that his power is lost when I get comfortable with who I am on the inside. And it scares me, because I have no idea how I will be around him, how I will feel when he starts with his web weaving and how I will stay strong and true to my version of my TRUTH!
It is working on my last nerve because I do not have a game plan of how I will be when this goes down!?! At this point, all I ask for is that I stay connected to me and have the courage to be me regardless of what he thinks and feels. Lord please send me an angel to help me . . . . . . . . .
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