I am a weapon of massive consumption....................

So I will be the first to put up my hand to lay claim to the following if it were offered freely........

- I want to have lots of money
- Massive amounts of great clothes
- Truck-loads of diamonds
- Be onto some sort of winner that spells and constantly allows my life success
- Be beautiful on the outside as well (why must it always be on the inside?)
- Yeah! having that tight body and commanding sex with every conceivable hot man just by raising my eyebrow

(I say blowing the smoke off from my freshly fired gun that makes all wishes come true!!!!!!!)


As much as I try to be on the righteous path, there are those moments where I just give in and buy into the shallow side, that side of me that knows instant gratification, light speed delivery and knows that more is the next best and obvious step!

So I have been learning that we are ever evolving beings! So we desire and as we desire, we go forth and manifest to experience our desire and so we complete and consolidate to the cycle of being! That is probably the beauty of being human. We get to experience, fulfil and satisfy desire! What is interesting is that once it is done, it evolves and so we chase the next manifestation, the next experience all to fulfil ever evolving, ever expanding, ever growing desire!



I battle with drawing the line from being self indulgent, selfish or maybe having too much of a good thing that is not all it is cracked up to be?!? Then I get the re-assurance that is just my doubt, lack of faith or non worthiness speaking! And then I am left with what is real and what is fake? What am I supposed to feel to know some difference!

But I know this for sure:


There is this spectrum - fear vs love. With every experience, desire or need I have within me, it is born out of fear or love! I know in my heart of hearts where they all source from within me. All it needs is for me to be still, breathe, ask, give permission to know and listen. And when I am brave enough, I will see where it is sourced from and then the next step!

So bring it on and I will give it a shot. I trust that I will know my fear from love as I merrily consume experiences that I manifest and attract. I trust that I will figure it all out to chose to resonate from that space of love instead of fear. I trust that one day, I stand proud and take my place as a weapon of massive consumption..................................

Well, all I could ever ask myself to do is give it a shot. So yes, let's do this! Bring it on...............mwah!

I am not gonna write you a love song because you asked me to

"I am going to need a better reason to write you a love song today..................................................."

Resentment, Resentment, RESENTMENT! What a powerful emotion this is!!!!!!! Powerful in the fact that it can paralyse constructive action, stop evolvement, traps all unnecessary drama and skewed perception and just holds and weighs down the spirit!



It is possible to see people that are trapped in a vicious cycle of self hatred.  They are constantly hurting those around them. They act out, lash out and can be the social retard/ruthless b1tch! All in an effort to assert themselves, their power and not let anyone F#$#k them around!

There is the take no prisoners and amputate if you have to approach.  It is only a survival technique when you break it down to its core.

Parents are a great source of resentment for many of us.  And truthfully, parents are merely victims of victims.  They did the best they could with what they knew.  When we as kids realise that our heroes are human, that make mistakes, hurt us without knowing or disappoint us, resentment does build.

Today I look back and say thank God I was able to accept and forgive my parents. Loving them purely for who they are has made me more whole than I could have ever imagined! That continues to inspire me to face the work required of forgiveness! I have seen how it allowed me to forgive the love of my life for leaving me and following his heart! His happiness that just had no place for me in it! I can now say that with a smile which speaks volumes for me.

I recently discovered that there was resentment that existed in volume within me. That somehow I comfortably tucked it away and allowed it to blend in and be so unconscious! Thankfully my life would have nothing of it and took me back to that place and time where I had it in buckets! It has been disguised for so long that I hardly could recognise the source and I can safely say it has taken on a twisted perspective. But it has surfaced in all its scariness and ugliness and puts forth some work for me...................................................

So the first choice I made was not to figure out why now! I chose to trust that I was ready to deal with it and hold it to the light and face it! With that sentiment, I find myself at a crossroad where FORGIVENESS is on the table and I have the choice! Let it go and be free or be stuck with my warped need to have the eye for eye be served!

I believe that it has to do with allowing and giving way too much power to an external opinion! You see, we all need validation for the essence that burns within us. For most of us, it is not enough that you (the individual) appreciates, loves, adores and cherishes that essence that burns purely within you. The fix must come from the outside and yes especially those that claim to love us!

I know that resentment knows very well how to eat away at a person.  It is amazing how we as humans want a witness that has seen where we have come from and where we have ended up and can see where we are going!  We get devastated when they still will not acknowledge that greatness within us. It is fuelled further on that some of us allow it and place so much power on it!

And so the vicious cycle of self hatred and self loathing starts. And then blame seems like the easy way out because it absolves you of the responsibility to look at yourself in the eye and be truthful with yourself! To look yourself in the eye and say, ok so you f%$#ked up! You outsourced some of your power and you can it back right now. All you need to do is LET GO...................

I realise it is no easy task of any of us to forgive others and all their sh1t that they carry as part of their "charm". That sh1t that makes them exhausting to be around as you give them a "safe" space to be an a$$! It is not easy because you are called to question why the hell are not honest with yourself in the first place and why not with them?

I have found that when you really honest with who you are and what your truth is, there comes a space for courage and trust to find a loving way to communicate that.  It is a sense and a way for you to feel your way through it.  As a start, it is time to not sing that love song for the sake of someone else's reaction.  Maybe it is time to simply live in your truth and trust your ability to share it lovingly!

Who Likes Living under a SPOTLIGHT?

“Is this relationship fulfilling your needs as well as mine?”

“Baby, I don’t like living under your spotlight!”

Funny that this theme has spurred itself in a time where reflection and re-connections are at a high point in my life at the moment. I find in this month, a strange de javu feeling as I re-visit past experiences either in new light or existing light with a nagging knowing at the back of my head. In my opinion, we on a scale of either evolving or entrenching/re-enforcing and it’s always a choice as to where we put our energies for a variety of reasons. This choice applies to the great and the worst in us.

Now combine that with multiple people on their multiple paths, making the above choices and then the fun begins when you mix it all together! One evening I was chatting to one the most amazing people I know (The chats we have truly feed my soul for where I am right now in my life). We spoke about how people evolve and so does the relationship! Later that evening I was surfing U-Tube for my “DIVA remix-disco videos” (a guilty delicious pleasure!) and came across SPOTLIGHT by Jennifer Hudson (Moto Blanco Mix – awesome dance track!!!!! ).

Listening to this song, encouraged me to take some moments and give some permission to have my truth revealed to me! Are those people that I spent such amazing, close, raw, honest, deeply connecting moments with under my spotlight in ensuring that we always have that as part of our relationship? Brings the whole concept of people in your life for a reason, season or lifetime! But do we confuse those here for a reason or a  seasonal relationships or for a lifetime?

I have seen how friends of mine starting families change their focus and rightly so and how it has affected priorities that once aligned to mine at some point in their lives! I have seen friends that choose re-enforce or evolve of beliefs and behaviours that no longer align to my changed outlook! This immediately puts us on different levels of drive, reasoning and core values on some fundamental stuff!

Do we expect people to live and behave under the SPOTLIGHT we shine on them loaded with our criteria of good, bad, our tested and untested framework that “works” for who we are, our ability to not look past all of it and into their soul?  When we around them, do we shine our SPOTLIGHT and expect them to perform to our standards?

I do try for the ideal as always! Loving like the Sun! That is why with every sunrise I am reminded of how to love and exist in this world as CB!

Shine my light regardless because it comes from within, does not need permission from any human being or situation and is not fed from some external source! It is merely CB’s core burning with aliveness and emitting throughout my being. The sun has no issue if you chose to enjoy its rays or not. It shines it regardless!!! It is your choice to receive or hide! As we chose to destroy our planet and weaken our ozone, the sun carries on with its business. It is authentic with its rules of engagement with us.

Our choices are the consequences we face but never hating the sun in the process! I get sun burnt, it is all on me as I know the rules of engagement and their consequences!  How sweet for me if I could live that every second in my life with all people!!!! And what I love about this all is that I have the honour of having those sun type relationships with a very few select people and I dedicate this section this month to that handful of people that remind me constantly that I am not under their spotlight nor are they under mine! Awesome baby! Mwah!