I can't remember what I ate...

I woke up this morning in a very foul state of mind (4:40am after hitting the snooze button twice!). I could sense frustration and anger flowing through me. I had to jump on that scale and see what the result of the Easter Holiday was. I was dreading the weigh-in and when the scale beamed back the figure, I was p1ssed off!

2 KGs heavier! Just freakin great! Here is to a “wonderful” day!!!!!!! :-(

After sharing this story with some advisors (all before 9am coffee), they initially told me “no big deal” and this includes my personal trainer who had the pleasure of my ranting and b1tching at 5 am in the morning. For the first 20 minutes, this poor man had to listen to me venting frustration and spitting venom! The rest of the hour I was way to busy trying to get through sets to b1tch! Good on him for getting me out that mind spiral.

But I can see why I would be so angry and frustrated. 2kgs does seem like a little in the bigger scheme of things. But for my life with all that fills it, that equates to 2 weeks of being at gym (6 hours a week burning at a minimum 450 Kcals per session which by some miracle have to raise to at least 600 KCals), forcing myself to eat breakfast every morning and eating rabbit food for dinner (that I must prepare myself without the comfort/ease of rip open, pierce film several times and microwave!). And I am just shocked that 4 days of my mom’s cooking and my overindulgence of it just reverses 2 weeks of hard work??!?!!!

It frustrates me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when the rational me comes into play, I know I am left with the following to deal with. Impatience and this need for instant results. That setbacks will happen and it is about forging ahead. That in order for this to be sustainable (a permanent lifestyle change not just a temporary fix) trial and error will be the case.

At least my inner critics are behaving. There has been so much progress in other areas of my body that overall, I am moving in a positive direction. I am just left with questions of is this sustainable; can I keep this up if it feels like work rather than a lifestyle norm? And how can I trap myself in working my a$$ off at gym to sustain poor food choices (I have noticed that this is on the decline! Thank you for some progress)

But I sense the uncovering of a subject that will need to be explored at some point. There have been clues placed in front of me and I can feel the resistance from within. I am just not giving it a space to unfold!

I believe my decision to quit smoking was the first step that has started the peeling of layers on the subject of my weight battle. I learnt a very important lesson at the stop smoking clinic I attended 11 weeks ago. The whole concept of inhaling poison and free-basing nicotine in an UNCONSCIOUS manner. The unconscious part hit me! When I breathed awareness into that, what it really boiled down to was that I was merely forcing my body to cope with poison and really what was the enjoyment? Merely to feed an addiction that made no difference to my life when I really thought about it.

It is the concept of banging your head against the wall because it feels sooooooo awesome when you stop! Addiction at its best!

Then I read the latest Oprah article on her battle with weight and then Angela spoke about empowered eating and giving the body its space to guide you to what it wants. I finally clicked that I am definitely an unconscious eater. I had already accepted and started working on being a comfort eater and have managed to get into that state where I can manage that but being an unconscious eater opens a whole new level that I have to work with. All this begs the question that I am not ready to answer right now……………….


What are you really hungry for?

Now I get the reason for the foul mood this morning..................

To be continued