Reminders from a Pamper Party.....

Last night I attended a pamper party. Initially being extremely irritated by the homework of getting all the stuff for the party, coming to the party and seeing how each of us went through our process allowed blatant stuff to be reflected back to me. It is true, your relationship with any human being is a mirror reflecting back to you what you need to see and know.........

So first, let's deal with the irritation!

I was irritated because it meant me having to give of myself. I could not outsource and buy my way out of this one. We were asked to create stuff! So it definitely showed me how I shy away from giving of myself to others without hiding behind extravagence or glamour!

I picked a black box to put all the treasures in! Just represents how well I hide who I really am to the world. When I looked at the others' packaging, all colourful, a definite way in to see the treasures or peak interest in the treasure, like an invitation to partake in the treasures! Mine was a sealed black box of treasures! How inviting/scary was that to anyone on the other end receiving from me ???????

The treasures that made the hugest difference were the ones that had the most of me in them. An example is that I actually baked something and that had the most profound impact on the person receiving! It was a true moment knowing just by baking that I had such a positive impact in someone.

So I am sitting here this morning (just giving the facial mask its time to do its thang!), knowing that to give of yourself is a joyful process. To receive means giving that joy of giving to someone else. I also know that the true essence of powerful giving is giving purely of my essence and who I am. This stands to reason that I become the best of who I am in order to give of the best of who I am to others.

It has reminded me how simple yet powerful we can be in terms of making a difference! And by that it means making someone's day, being a positive light, cheering up or lifting up a spirit! All this by simply giving of who you are.

Thanks Universe for this reminder. It has been noted!

More from the treadmill....

So it looks like the treadmill is the place where I am clicking puzzle pieces into place (calorie counter post). So I was doing my thing today on the treadmill wondering if I could achieve the same result as before. Go over 200 Kcal?? Sunday I had this strong urge to not go to the gym and just rest. Not because I was lazy but just because I yearned for rest.

So as I write this, I realise how savouring is something we need to do as humans. Savour and spend time being truly grateful for what really exists. As we evolve and manifest and live out our blissful desires, there also comes a time to enjoy what becomes a reality and savour it!

I also had my weigh in for the my Body Project. I picked up 0.5 kgs but lost 1% of body fat. My trainer says that equals muscle building. LOL! I will take that! And I did it all eating what I really felt my body wanted and not my ego! But let's see where that will take me.

So today, I chose to savour and embrace moments of fullness, perfection and gratitude. To be in that space where all is well, no past or future cloud the issue but just the moment and my breath are the reality. In that moment we know freedom, perfection, bliss, safety, comfort and warmth!

Here is to savouring the moments of fullness..............mwah!

Keepin it Gangsta!

AKA : Staying true in the situation / Keeping it real / staying true to the cause

So I had my favourite music channel on today. Experiencing a beautiful autumn day in Johannesburg and had the strangest feeling! Like I had this clean slate / blank page and I could chose to fill it with whatever I wanted! Anyhoo, while doing the routine "dance my way" to getting ready for the day, the term sprung out at me from the television "I'm gonna keep it Gangsta!"



How I love google! When in doubt, GOOGLE! So I found the meaning of the above phrase! And loved the twist to it! Very Urban / Street vibe going on. But the message got me thinking...





KEEPIN IT GANGSTA!! hmmmmmmmm


CB definition : This term makes me think of the truth that burns at our core! When we remove ego, insecurity and fear basically the other side of the emotional scale and resonate on the Love side where hope, positivity, strength and bliss dwell we find the essence of what keeping it real means.

Being faced with completely packing up and leaving SA for about two years (for work reasons) got me thinking of what "home" really meant to me. And funny enough, it had nothing to do with the city itself but more that feeling you get walking down the street on a typical day in your home town!

All I know that it has more to do with what life represents to you in that moment when you in the world with its hussle and bussle. In that now moment where everything is perfect including you and what is on its way is a bundle of excitement, positive anticipation and salivating glands getting ready to enjoy the deliciousness of the blessings!



But I got thinking to who's version of the truth counts?!!!!?!?!

There is always an opinion (expert), someone who has a life changed for the better and reveals their secret, our "Heroes", our God who we not supposed to question but merely trust (well that was the taught version when I was a kid which I so do not believe anymore) and then yours! That loving, warm whisper that lets you know what is true for you!


And I see how listening to this truth does tend to be a challenge for most of us. My most relevant right now is trying out this empowered eating thing. Ignoring the scale for a while, listening to my body and consuming the foods I believe it is asking for and knowing how that differs to emotional cravings that when substituted with food is the problem! Beginning to understand emotional set points and knowing how to navigate back to vibrational frequencies of Love, Bliss and Positivity! All this about listening to that inner voice and inner intelligence.

But I also am becoming aware of distractions that push be right back into fear and then that tender whisper from within is drowned out by the "expert", the "hero" or the anyone I deem more worthy of a voice as insecurity and doubt consume me and fade my voice....

I love how simple this theory can be! Are you closer to Fear or Love inside? With that you can honestly navigate to clarity and your inner truth when you make a deliberate attempt to get to the love side of the scale within you. Imagine the magic and power you can unleash! Yum Yum Yum.....


So tonight, just a little note to remembering to keeping inner truth strong and knowing that we all blessed with intuition, that voice of universal intelligence and wisdom! Here is to listening to it and here is finding our way back to love when plunged into fear............................

xoxo

What the Calorie Counter Display on the treadmill triggered......

So I received a little reminder of what faith in the process is all about and from the strangest of experiences. If you have been following my blog, you should have picked up that I am very much on that vibe of getting back into shape and giving my body the best chance it has at being healthy and radiant. So I am on this run and sweat everyday thing as one of the options!

Last night was the routine get on the treadmill, enter the workout details and this time I was aiming at burning over 200 KCals in 15 minutes! I seemed to be hovering at 190 KCals which was getting last season. I was in the mood for a new frontier!

So last night, I finally achieved my goal of breaking into that new frontier! But I achieved it differently to how I originally intended. My obvious strategy was 1 minute low intensity , 4 minutes at high intensity until all 15 minutes were used up or I caved in from esxhaustion then just take it easy till the 15 minutes were up. But last night I oscillated speeds. 1 minute low intensity, then went for what I was comfortable to run at plus the speed that challenged me physically. So 1 minute comfortable, 1 minute stretch and so I alternated until the 15 minutes were up or exhaustion set in!

I was amazed at how much I achieved by trying that approach! On the drive home I realised that the way to your bliss / goals for happiness are honestly a windy road versus a straight path. The step forward step backward theory may not always apply as I used to see it before!

So there will be times when you feel like you going back but maybe that is not the reality of the situation! And that is how I was feeling lately with the setbacks at work that maybe my growth professionally was taking a nose dive. But what I did not consider is that maybe I went onto a comfortable speed for a "minute" before the next challenge "minute" for growth and insight was on its way.

The bottom line is that I am probably still on the path to a new threshold, the trick is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other! Something like a labyrinth! The delicious goal is in the center but there is a winded path to it. It will feel like being set back, declining or losing your edge but you merely on a path and eventually you get to that delicious center. So take the journey as it reveals itself and comes to you!

I also ended up being extremely grateful and I would like to give a space for my top choices and this is in no particular order:

1. For my blog! It has been such a beautiful mechanism to be honest, real with me and an outlet of what goes on inside. I am also grateful for people that take the time to read and/or decide to share! I am all for enlightenment!
2. My awesome friends and my growing circle of friends. I am truly surrounded by strong, passionate, wise and beautiful people. I am truly blessed and wealthy in that department.
3. My professional life. I work for one of the best consulting firms in the globe and doing pretty darn good in that firm amongst so many brilliant people! To enjoy unbelievable support, growth, opportunity and every day have the ability to make a difference and add value is such an awesome call to my character. I work with amazing people from which I learn from and receive some amazing inspiration from! I am also grateful to be living this especially in the Global Economic Crisis where some good people have lost their jobs.
4. My home is taking on such a personality. I am seeing the fruits of putting my love into it and now it feels like a home not just a house I used for shelter. I am LOVING it!
5. My family that has taught me to be the person I am, challenged me to go beyond who I was to be more than I could have dreamed of and who love me despite the great and not so great that lives within me. A safe place to breathe and just be and receive and give pure love!
6. For the wisdom, intelligence and guidance that is all around me. All I have to do is listen and reach out and I have answers. That is so awesome to have that at my fingertips!

So yeah, that is what a treadmill did for me last night! Here is to breaking into new thresholds ;-)

Daylight

What an awesome weekend!!!!!! Danke Universe and Crazeebee!!!!!

I love a good night out! I have not had one of those in such a long time. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to forget such basic yet powerful pratices. Making connections!!! So the down low...........

I went to a dinner party last night and I only knew one person at the party that I had not spoken to in like 5 years. So I was faced with the concept of being the new boy in the group. And this was a group of gay men only. It had been so long since I did the exclusively gay thing. I think ever since one of my best friends (gay boy) moved out the country, I kinda just did not make an effort to make any more gay friends. So when this opportunity presented itself I was like, OK! I am scared sh1tless (So rusty at this! Do I have to sharpen my B!TCH game talk?) but hey take a chance!

As much as I love my straight friends who have played a fundamental role in assisting me with carving out the awesome life I do have. There are those times when only a gay boy knows. And it is just so great to kick back, share and learn.

And what a lovely evening it turned out to be. A bunch of fabulous good hearted men, great food, red wine and awesome company. This is what I love about new adventures that put you out your comfort zone or merely meeting someone new. I am constantly amazed at what I learn from the experience and about myself. The insights are soooooo delightful!

I loved how we were able to share, connect, learn and enlighten. Awesome, awesome stuff! This so reminds of the days when I was discovering Cape Town and making it my home. The parties, the people, the city and myself. I was constantly on a high there as I grew closer and closer to knowing who I was and starting to love who I was. I had that same feeling last night.

That feeling of connection with something higher, the melting of good energy and just rushing on the goodness that living is meant to be! Fun, Easy and Blissful!!!! Clearly I got my fair dose of the universal happy drugs! I want some more...........BTW!!!!

I also had my weigh in today and proudly, progress and according to project targets. Yipeee! The blubber is melting away. That Easter blimp is out the way and moving on steadily to making more progress.

I also attempted to bake today. I got a friend to play the role of coach as I attempted to do something homemade with love from me not my favourite Food Market Store. So I created some delicious beautiful chocolate brownies. This is for a pamper party I am attending soon which promises to be a delicious affair of spoiling ourselves. Yum Yum..........

So right now, it is about being in the afterglow following some awesome experiences. I got to share who I am, expand my world, meet some awesome people, feel connected to great energy, create with love and relish in the amazing bonds I have in my life with some good people.

So HUGE thank you for my blessings, for the turn around in my emotional vibration, for the small amazing moments that all add up and just a darn good time. Keep 'em comin!!!

I was thinking so much about rays of light when I thought about this weekend's experiences.

That is why I can take on the world after watching a sun rise! How you see the light fill the world and take over gently illuminating all it comes across. It is pure and beautiful! And I love the concept of the brand new day that comes along with a sunrise.

The opportunity to take the next step forward, to decide what next, to make better and to live and be! Just a constant reminder of when darkness hits how one has to embrace light and love....................the path then becomes clear. So moving forward....................................

Right Here! Love vs Human Nature?

What happens when the going gets tough? When your life seems to have some challenge, some nasty road bumps and you find that you trip or have a speed wobble. The result - You fall with your face flat in the gunk!

And this is the part where it is in your best interests to pick yourself up! Dust off the gunk! And try, try, try again to get to your bliss.....................So it stands to reason that the most powerful part of this process of digging deep, tapping into resilience and finding the energy somehow to move forward lies in that conversation you have internally to get your mind and heart back to burning brightly with purpose, passion and love?!?!?


I have been having a fascinating time learning about this whole emotional set-point theory. There is this theory that we need to establish where our emotional set point lies on the various areas of our lives and the process is merely to "reach" for a better feeling thought. This assumes that thoughts are the beams that attract your reality and your feelings are your radar as to what is on its way. The better the feeling, the more aligned you are to what is coming. But basically your objective is to find relief by continuously reaching for thoughts that make you feel better. A bit like injecting universal "Happy Drugs" !!! ;-)

Lame Man's version - The crappier you feel about something, the bigger the warning of the sh1t storm on its way to your life.............
I have generally been feeling crap and it has been as a result of events that happened in this week. I was left with the Love Me in conflict with the Ego Me!!!!!!! Truly feeling a little Jekyll and Hyde hovering from needy, wanting assurance, wanting external comfort to wisdom, knowing and trusting and back again. Was rather interesting how I oscillated between the two sides of the vibration graph !?!?!?! I am not in the mood for the looming sh1t storm so where are the universal happy drugs? Hook a brother up!!

And to think a 2kg piece of extra lard evident from the final figure on my scale earlier in this week actually set this off!!!!! How much power did I give that piece of LARD!!!! OMG!!!!!!Cannot believe how it spiraled ??!?!?!


So right now I am left very much with the devil on one shoulder versus angel on the other shoulder! And all this to decide what the next steps should be. Say ok you win b1tch versus I control my destiny, please step aside or face consequences!!!!!
This week with all its challenge was good in reminding me about the internal conversations I have with myself. Not all so positive of late I will admit! And that has been so strange because I am normally quite effective and turning my mind state around. So something to work on. I guess cynicism does creep in when you not too careful.
I am also really beginning to see the benefit of this emotional set point and making a deliberate effort to move up the scale to more positive feelings. If anything (whether this law of attraction works or not) it is the whole concept of getting your mind and your heart in a better place which puts you on a more effective level to take action.
So right now I am confused and working through getting to a space in my head of taking the next positive step to bliss all wrapped up in my personal projects that are currently on the go (with their current setbacks) to manifest that in my life.
I will deal with this week's disappointments and looking to take the next empowered step to getting back on track. I guess I had my moments of feeling overwhelmed but such is human nature (feeling the one extreme to know, feel and appreciate the opposite).
So here is to making my way back to love right here, right now..................I guess one just has to open their eyes and heart! xoxo

I can't remember what I ate...

I woke up this morning in a very foul state of mind (4:40am after hitting the snooze button twice!). I could sense frustration and anger flowing through me. I had to jump on that scale and see what the result of the Easter Holiday was. I was dreading the weigh-in and when the scale beamed back the figure, I was p1ssed off!

2 KGs heavier! Just freakin great! Here is to a “wonderful” day!!!!!!! :-(

After sharing this story with some advisors (all before 9am coffee), they initially told me “no big deal” and this includes my personal trainer who had the pleasure of my ranting and b1tching at 5 am in the morning. For the first 20 minutes, this poor man had to listen to me venting frustration and spitting venom! The rest of the hour I was way to busy trying to get through sets to b1tch! Good on him for getting me out that mind spiral.

But I can see why I would be so angry and frustrated. 2kgs does seem like a little in the bigger scheme of things. But for my life with all that fills it, that equates to 2 weeks of being at gym (6 hours a week burning at a minimum 450 Kcals per session which by some miracle have to raise to at least 600 KCals), forcing myself to eat breakfast every morning and eating rabbit food for dinner (that I must prepare myself without the comfort/ease of rip open, pierce film several times and microwave!). And I am just shocked that 4 days of my mom’s cooking and my overindulgence of it just reverses 2 weeks of hard work??!?!!!

It frustrates me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when the rational me comes into play, I know I am left with the following to deal with. Impatience and this need for instant results. That setbacks will happen and it is about forging ahead. That in order for this to be sustainable (a permanent lifestyle change not just a temporary fix) trial and error will be the case.

At least my inner critics are behaving. There has been so much progress in other areas of my body that overall, I am moving in a positive direction. I am just left with questions of is this sustainable; can I keep this up if it feels like work rather than a lifestyle norm? And how can I trap myself in working my a$$ off at gym to sustain poor food choices (I have noticed that this is on the decline! Thank you for some progress)

But I sense the uncovering of a subject that will need to be explored at some point. There have been clues placed in front of me and I can feel the resistance from within. I am just not giving it a space to unfold!

I believe my decision to quit smoking was the first step that has started the peeling of layers on the subject of my weight battle. I learnt a very important lesson at the stop smoking clinic I attended 11 weeks ago. The whole concept of inhaling poison and free-basing nicotine in an UNCONSCIOUS manner. The unconscious part hit me! When I breathed awareness into that, what it really boiled down to was that I was merely forcing my body to cope with poison and really what was the enjoyment? Merely to feed an addiction that made no difference to my life when I really thought about it.

It is the concept of banging your head against the wall because it feels sooooooo awesome when you stop! Addiction at its best!

Then I read the latest Oprah article on her battle with weight and then Angela spoke about empowered eating and giving the body its space to guide you to what it wants. I finally clicked that I am definitely an unconscious eater. I had already accepted and started working on being a comfort eater and have managed to get into that state where I can manage that but being an unconscious eater opens a whole new level that I have to work with. All this begs the question that I am not ready to answer right now……………….


What are you really hungry for?

Now I get the reason for the foul mood this morning..................

To be continued

Lead me to my treasures......

The thought of my first day at high school crossed my mind the other day. I was trying to remember what that day entailed and what it held in terms of importance but the details are indeed a bit hazy. But what I do remember is how I felt on that day which ultimately turned out to be a very successful first year at high school followed by more successful years. The reason I am writing about this??? Well sitting in my parents' house and seeing the little shrine they built as a tribute to my academic feats at school set it off........

Primary School was probably one of the most painful and cruelest experiences I encountered as a kid. Being different from age 6 already, I did tend to stand out. Here was this boy who knew that whatever he put his mind to was no big deal as he would make it work and to top it off he had this unbelievable feminine flair! So I obviously got attention (not the kind a kid should get) wherever I found myself. Boys, particularly, only knew that being nasty and cruel was a fun way to pass the break times without the teachers being around to protect me.


Despite all this, I managed to still excel at school as I had a clear mission. There is a treasure on the other side! Just stay strong, don't pay any attention to silly people and keep going! Eye on the goal little one. Now I realise that that voice was my mom's which is exactly what I tell myself these days to move forward. I ended up being Head Boy at primary school and what a power position that turned out be. Little me had arrived and beat all those cruel a$$eS that teased me to be the pick of the standard. I loved every minute of my senior year at primary school.

So the time to attend High School came along and despite all the warnings of the teachers that we would be the babies, finding ourselves at the bottom of the food chain, the horror stories of initiation, I found myself strangely excited and looking forward to the new adventure. I was on the brink of adulthood!!!! What could be more exciting than that. Finally being an adult............................


Academic accolades (as in had to get the trophy for top student for every academic subject I was doing) was my thing throughout primary school and I was excited to see if I could accomplish the same feat at High School. There was a bigger pool and from the research I did on Day 1 at High School, all the top students from each of the four primary schools in the community where in my base class for the year. Delicious competition! This boy could network back in the day already ;-)

My first year of High School turned out to be a rather successful one. I only hung out with matriculants thanks to my cousins (super babes) that were very popular in high school and who loved me to bits so I got to hang out with them and by default the rest fell into place! I met new friends and could not believe how much bigger my world was getting. The teasing and torture for being different stopped. I ended the year with 7 out of 8 trophies. I had to settle for one runner up accolade but hey it was worth a try. But I guess ending up being the academic supreme (top student for the standard 6's) was one of the sweet highlights of that year.


When I look back at that now. I see how faith that my treasure would come made it all possible really. I went on to have a very successful time at high school when I think of it. I gained respect for who I was despite being different to the "jocks" or even the "nerds". I was just CrazeeBee, an individual and a person. I got to make the difference to the kids in the work I took on to make our "coloured"/government school just as good as those Model C and Private Schools! For me it is just great to see that even at that stage where hormones and emotions can get out of control and one does some silly stuff to deal with it all, I somehow managed to get through it to my treasures and yes, I am very grateful for the treasures that exist in my life today. I am one lucky and happy boy as a result.



I was wondering why was this all bubbling up????


Well maybe just a check point to say things are shifting again. My priorities are changing! World is expanding! That there are new treasures on the horizon that do not involve all this competing and constantly striving to be the best! Maybe it is just awesome to just be you!?! Very much new territory I am getting into finding bliss without competing! Scary stuff! Trusting that the treasures are there and that I have all I need within me to make them a reality. I have enough guidance and intelligence at my disposal to navigate successfully to where I need to be.

So we will see where this takes me. Right now I am faced with potential projects where I will be challenged for sure in terms of making some significant life changes, start from the bottom and need to work my way to being empowered and an asset! One is in Cape Town and the other is outside South Africa (confirmation pending so will hush till then). Hate the crossroad personally but it lets me know that a treasure is waiting with whichever path is walked.........................


Looking at back at that first day of High School and realising that the world was bigger than being the Head Boy and Dux of Primary School to where my world is now! It is being BLESSED beyond what I could have dreamt of back then and then how exciting when one looks forward and says, geez in another 10 years I will look back and take this fond trip down memory lane.

How every time I chose to do what was in front of me with my best game and passion and how it prepared me for the next opportunity and the next and the next. And when I really think about it, how it all came together for treasures I never saw coming. Treasures of wisdom, love, prosperity, amazing experiences and creativity.

So God/Universe/Higher Power - here is Crazeebee trusting and placing faith that I am being lead to more wonderful treasures................................................Let's Do This!!!

Halo

I grew up in the good old town of Pietermaritzburg, KZN. My parents were firm believers that PMB was the place to raise kids which would enable them to walk the earth with some sort of strong moral fibre and a sense of good values! One day, I should ask my mom and dad how we fare these days seeing we have taken over heading up our lives for some years now ;-)





Anyhoo, this does mean that I make the trek to PMB for at least one of the big holidays in any year. This year it was Easter! Life got in the way and there I was on Wednesday evening, faced with expensive air tickets and then decided, oh hell, let me drive! How bad can it be?



On the way and completely overdosed on my favourite Diva's belting out emotion and vocal gymnastics, I switch from playlist to radio and there was Beyonce belting out Halo on East Coast Radio. She managed the number 2 spot on the top songs of the week list! I am very positive that I must have been open to hear something from the universe because somehow I lapped up all the words of the song and here is where it took me....................................................



There is a part of me that believes that there are people in this world that see through our bullshit, our walls and our spikes of protection. They see our core, and our beauty even though we keep asking what are you on? They have a knowing of what is tucked away under all those protective layers we have. These are true angels to us and gifts to be appreciated for what they bring to our lives.

There is also those people we just click with! No real understanding of who they are from long conversation or the benefit of time and exposure. Just getting that good feeling deep down that there is something they have innate in them that appeals to you and something you need to get a piece of or bask in.




There is a school of thought that says that all relationships in our lives exist to enlighten us as we move forward on our path. It is all ego that wants us to believe that we get completed by that other person. We are whole when we have that special one in our lives to share, grow with and witness us living and experiencing. The aim is to take a look at all our relationships and leverage them as vehicles to enlighten us. Within relationships, there are perfect reflections back to us of the stuff we need to take note of.


This sentiment is finding a space within me and is growing. I can see how applicable this has been in my life. I can say that I have witnessed such beauty in all people that have touched my life. I have been inspired to be better, torn down to learn that no matter what, I can bounce back! I have been challenged to end up walking away validated in my core of what I stand for and in other cases operate on a new level of understanding.


So with that, I give thanks for the angels in my life currently and for those to come – I am all about further enlightenment………………………bring it on!

He’s just not that into you!...........Yes? No? Maybe?

This was inspired by a discussion I was having with one of “my girls” the other night (legitimate girl! The types naturally blessed by God with girly assets and sexy ones when I think about it!). It was our ritual let’s catch up and share over some awesome red wine.

She shared and I had to pull out the “He’s just not that into you” card for us to get real with her particular situation. I loved it when that concept hit the scene from the Sex and the City series. Brilliant stuff from those writers! You are my heroes! Oprah was right! It was that good that all women need to put that book on their night stands! When in doubt about a man, read the book. I personally bought the book and must say it has made the world of difference to how I deal with being single and my undertaking of adventures with potential partners.





My sentiment when discovering this phrase was summed up beautifully by Miranda in that Sex and the City episode “If I had known this earlier, it would have saved me years of therapy!” Loved that!

So there I was feeling all proud of myself for getting one of my girls back on track to focusing on her life and not letting some unsure confusing man cause her unnecessary therapy or time pondering! But I did not bargain for the next day where I was called to put my talk in my walk. It was time for this meisie to strut her wisdom on the catwalk with the following scenario…………………..

Encounters of the “straight” man that flirts with a gay boy!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!! Experience number “I lost count” ....................

I mean what is that all about? Are they closets, testing the waters, cock teasers or generally ego maniacs!!!!!???????!!!!!!

I believe that I have had more than my fair share of the above species in my life. And will admit that it has been on the decrease, the older and wiser I get. I am figuring that whole “I am worth so much more” and “please, I do not have the energy for your BULLSHIT” has finally kicked in. Thank you Crazeebee for seeing the light!

But it is funny how friends you trust play a role in cementing certain beliefs that you carry around. So if you lucky, you have an honest reflection of where you are or if you unlucky a delusional view!



The same kind of delusional view that makes certain people audition for Idols (they make it such a painful experience to watch!) and then proudly say “I have talent, all my friends tell me that!” And I am left thinking: FIRE THOSE FRIENDS, THEY BULLSHITTING YOU!!! AARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT SING!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for Randal/Simon for some reality check!

But digressing, anyhoooooooo……………my point continues……


Why do some of us get left with a MAYBE to the statement “He’s just not that into you”? It is either yes or no and never a maybe but for some the concept of maybe comes up way too often!

Is it the hopeless romantic people or the God syndrome that makes people believe that they will unlock that hidden love? Why are the criteria to get clear sooooo complex for some?

For me, flirting and moments of connection are all based on “that” feeling you get. It probably comes down to the trust yourself and your instincts and that your feeling about someone is real and is a sure bet!

What confuses some is their subtle statements that really do not leave one clear on what their intentions are, revealing their softer, vulnerable side when you alone and having moments of real sharing to be followed by being miles away at a later stage, even some that are not that subtle and get into wanting to understand what is on offer and then turn around with the sentiment of  "Pity you don't have a vagina!"  It can feel like a relationship with all the emotional and mental perks JUST NOT THE SEX / PHYSICAL INTIMACY! And that ladies and gentlemen, just ain’t good enough!

So what I know for sure at this point is that:

A man is a man and he makes a plan for what he really wants. There is no need for you to make it simple or difficult for him. All you really need to do is be yourself and let the rest take care of itself. If he wants something, he is going to make it happen. So while some agonise with maybe he is potentially into me, it really is NO! Because at the end of the day what is it that we all want?

To be loved for who we are just as we are. Not to be told, if only you were this, that or the other. It is having Mr Darcy rock up and say “I like you, just as you are” and when a man feels that inside him, he is making a plan.

So the bottom line, you order something on the menu, it comes to you half completed/done or not as promised, you are likely to send it back and demand it returned to you as specified. I guess that is how my mind sees this “straight” man who flirts with gay boys at this point.

NO THANK YOU! Try again when you know what you want……………!





All we really asked to do is enjoy the journey as it unfolds. I believe for me the real truth is the concept of being responsible for my own happiness and excitement in my life. The man is there to enhance it, teach us if there is something to learn but by no means define the path of our lives! With that in mind, here is to having fun with dating…………….moving along!

Barebacking: OMG How can it still exist???????

Online "dating"! I use the term loosely because dating can be many things these days. There is good old fashioned court platonically or meet merely to assess that the potential sex can work and then do it.

But a movement of Bareback sex is doing the rounds! Men are insisting that they only hook up for "BareBack" fun and do not even entertain the idea of condoms or try to convince the use of them!!! Would love to unpack that thinking further with people that practice this actively! I mean just to understand where they are  at!

All I could think was does that still exist in today's society. In the gay circles, I guess we have been accustomed to all treating condoms as a necessary part of sex. I mean we at this stage and age in life where if the mister downstairs gives the salute of approval, one is sleeping with the guy regardless of waiting for it to be "special" or waiting for the committed relationship. Fun is on the table, so enjoy it. Hence the condom becomes part of the process as you do not want the ghosts of sexual activities past in the deed!

And to add to it all, let us not forget our straight friends!!!!! Sex is just a big deal with them as it is with our gay folk! I know that in today's society sex has become more about fun and enjoying with whoever when you want it, with no other major considerations unlike what was previously drummed into our heads by our parents!

I struggle with lack of common sense!! Well from my framework and perspective at least!

Anyhoo......

My point is that I just cannot believe in today's world where we have more sexual liberation than ever and so much freedom of choice that some of us choose to not protect ourselves. For me it is in the same category as driving, flying or working with toxic chemicals! We take precautions proactively! No question!

Why is sex excluded especially in today's world with the HIV stats? Any of the reasoning below ring a bell?

- I wanted my man to feel free and not inhibited (CB Note: How much do you love yourself? Its's about your orgasm as well and while you at it, your SAFE orgasm?!?!)

- He pulls out in time so: I won't get pregnant (straight), no fluid exchange (gay) (CB Note: Oh, I am sorry! All men just stopped producing pre-cum. It must be global warming that is having this impact on them!!! All pre-cum is Fried away!!!! Yipee!!!!)

- Well he looks like he has not got HIV! I mean he looks healthy and besides he is clean and behaves like he was taught well, so I am sure he is fine! (CB Note: Forgive me, did not know you were a SuperHero person with the special ability to do visual blood analysis of a human being to make such an astute observation!)


- I only do this in first world countries or guys from first world countries! The stats are better so the probability is low they have HIV. (CB Note: Body Fluids are Body fluids!!! First world or Third world you still can get infected! But wow, very creative way to LIE to yourself!!!)



- I asked him if he was negative and he said yes and that was all I needed (CB Note: Wow, you underselling your talents for being a Human Lie Detector!)


- I am a top so I am rather low risk with such activities (CB Note: Note to self that you are a selfish BASTARD!!!)

I guess I have to come back to my bottom line with any human being I deal with. It is free will, choice and your responsibility! It is your path and you deal with consequence that results from that whether you choose to live consciously or unconsciously! It is interesting how most of us will do the necessary to ensure life runs smoothly but I guess sex may have a way to make all logic go out the window at times.

But Live and Let Live!

Breathe! It won't be long now!

So this has been a very fascinating journey: Me versus My Reflection! I remember times in my young life where I cringed everytime I saw a reflection of me anywhere. I mean how unfair to be stuck with that face, body, hair and skin colour. I hated it all! But looking back, I can smile and say that a sh1t load of healing has happened since those teen years!

But I am loving how with age, my eyes have become kinder and my jury has become one of encouragement rather than curse and condemn to the ugly/disgusting farm! Those inner critics are losing their sharp edge and becoming more that supportive yet honest friend that I have always yearned for. Some of them are dying as their power supply stops (previously fed by my shocking beliefs) and are silenced forever!

But this is what is confusing for me. It was about two months where I had some bad encounters in front of the mirror. It is customary for me now to strip in front of a mirror before I shower and about two months ago, a particular inner critic was back from retirement spitting venom and disgust all inside my head! I was living in Cape Town. I was on assignment there for a month. I believe that hotel living by the sea brought out my holiday spirit especially when it came to eating. I guess this inner critic just could control himself and had to engage in a field day whenever my reflection presented itself!

Being the outcomes based driver that I am! (personality profile also known as super B1tch/heartless Bastard who only worries/cares about the outcome not the person or means to getting the outcome) I hired a personal trainer immediately to "inspire" me back on track.

Thankfully, my trainer is lava hot so I am truly inspired to do my best and tempted brilliantly to do that extra set or exert that extra effort. God forbid all the lines I am getting on my face from strain and that butch side I never knew I had when I grunt in pain or spew some ugly words in some attempt to summon some source to help push/pull those damn weights!!

So it is a month later!

I am fitter as I am now able to burn lots of calories in one cardio session which includes a 2 km run, 2 km row and 1 km cross trainer/30 flights of stairs if I am in the mood for the StairMaster! (that is without mr trainer as inspiration and me walking around like it was nothing!) I also am less b1tchy to my trainer when I am asked to lift heavy weights or do the extra rep! I have progressed from b1tchy banter and WTF are you on????????? to OK, bring it on! I just love progress! Just lets me know that adapting and evolving are natural talents that the Universe blesses us humans with!!! Yum!

So now the inner critic is a bit more kinder when I strip down in front of the mirror. He is loving the toned legs, the firming a$$ and the shrinking BOEP! Although still harsh on the BOEP taking forever to disappear and the boobs that really should be pecs!?! Ja Ja, I am going on my trainer's words, "just Breathe, it won't be long now. Just keep going!"


But I am more on being kinder to myself when I look in that mirror! Yeah I am sure those endorphins play a role from all that activity and that the "oh so good feeling of accomplishment" makes it all look good when D Time comes in front of the mirror. But when I am 55 and not the mood to strain, run and do all that activity???? When my butt does say to gravity YOU WIN, and my BOEP says, give up already and let me be!! I am left with my particular inner critic who will definitely come out retirement to be b1tch galore!!!!!!!!!!!

I see a pattern, no endorphins from physical activity = harsh inner critic!!!???!!!

So I am all for being real with me! Yes if I am fat then I should be able to tell myself this. But there comes a maturity of dealing with truth that is not nasty, harsh or leaves you bleeding! And yes thank God on many levels a majority of my inner critics have retired / died purely because I stopped power supply to them or placed a nifty band aid on the situation.


But alas some still remain and I still engage with them when my reflection presents itself to me to love and accept.


So here is to cutting power supply to those inner critics that are no good for me and being brave to rip off the band aids and deal with the critics head on because at the end of the day, I see basing my bliss of looking in the mirror and loving what I see as temporary. As long as I am progressing, overdosing on endorphins and seeing my body manifest my hard work - I am happy! Maybe a consideration is to look at a concept and base my bliss on something that is eternally mine to keep and that this world cannot touch?





Breathe! It won't be long now!

Did you get that? Let me put it on BLAST!

Is the Universe really clear on what is good for me? Reason I am asking is because I feel I have so many conflicting desires that are constantly launched! So my question is how do I put what I really want on BLAST so it is clear to the Universe but more importantly I guess is the question around allowing it exist in my life?

I have had quite an interesting journey with the Law of Attraction. I guess it all started when I had this desire to reconcile being gay with being a Christian. I was very after does God really care who I sleep with or want to spend the rest of my life with?

Then came the book “Conversations with God” which was first introduced to me by a friend of mine that read it and found great comfort in the book. Many years later, I was at exclusive books at OR Thambo (JHB International in the day) and there was the book. I figured, I had a long flight and needed something to read besides all the favourite magazines. And that is where the journey started with understanding the Law Of Attraction.

So it is all about this concept of your sponsoring thought, that thought that is aligned perfectly with what you believe. This can only mean that this is what you vibrate at and hence the reality of your life is a mere reflection of that. When we pray to God, what we ask for and give thanks to will only manifest with what is our true vibration. Very simple concept in theory but so much more difficult to practice (My experience)

So comes “The Secret” which for me is very much the accessible, break it down practically use of the Law of Attraction.

But recently I am learning about a new dimension to all this. The art of allowing and letting go to flow with universal current! This coincides with the secret bottom line (feel like you will when you have it, feel worthy, believe like no other and give thanks for its existence even when it is not there physically).

I will admit trying Rhonda’s take on things and I found it very fake at first. Some of it worked and some of it did not and I know that it is all a function of me and where my head and heart was at. But what I did not come out of the experience with, was my pattern, my flava and my insight to understanding this!

My discovery of late is that we has humans, experience and as we experience, we desire, as we desire so does the Universal radar pick it up as we offer vibration, the Universe answers. Then we are now at the position of allowing it in, resisting or flowing with the current to wellness and bliss!
(Thanks to the Teachings of Abraham by Jerry and Ester Hicks for this gem of insight)

Like a maths formula, once you understand the elements, the formula makes sense and so does the answer that is logically deduced. That for me is the maze of the law of attraction right now. What does my maths formula entail to get my deliberate creations spot on?????????


So I know that I am allowing or resisting subconsciously and my desire to start making this all conscious and understanding the link to being deliberate in my creating and harnessing my divine powers for living my bliss.

So I dedicate this series to the journey of understanding deeper the mechanics of the “Law Of Attraction” that makes it real and practical for me! This is going to be sooooooooooo much fun



;-)