Tit Bit : Wiseman Nos 3 is working on my last nerve!

Created 24th July 2010

The Wiseman Nos 3 that was in my life is now haunting me! I am frustrated and annoyed by his presence. When I am around him, I am back in High School being teased by idiots for being different and not being a typical bloke! I am back trying soooooo hard to get my Dad’s approval for not being a hot blooded, butch straight male! I am back trying to be someone I am not to get some level of approval!


So Wiseman Nos 3 is someone from my past dating back 3 years ago when our paths first crossed. I was furiously attracted to him. At the time, I found him sexy, intoxicating and someone special in this world. I figured that if I could hook up with someone like him and having him love me would mean I was worth something. And so I went into the mode of being someone different to impress him, make him be in awe of me and dare I say love me.
He played his part. Seducing me with his charm and flattery. Just enough flattery to make me feel that there was something there to build something special on between the two of us. He sucked me in and before I knew it, I was selling my soul to make him happy and get his approval of who I was. I compromised the best in me in order to get his acknowledgment. My self esteem took a knock along with my ability to trust in myself like I used to.

But I broke free (not by choice might I say)! My life circumstance changed that forced me to move in new directions and this put distance between him and I. It was the greatest gift bestowed on me. Slowly, the pieces of me started to shine through all the bull and gunk that piled on over the 2 years of close proximity to Wiseman Nos 3 in my life. I started seeing what was good about me and that all that “perspective” that he fed me was a very intricate way of him breaking down my self esteem and self belief. I don't believe it was intentional on his side but this how it impacted me.  I mean for every good thing there was to say about me, he always offered me context that what I was naturally was not great because there was a perfect explanation as to why it looked like a once off and not being something I could trust and rely on as a gift! That is how he chipped away at me.

Anyhoo, the point is that by distance, I got in touch with the great in me again and I could not believe how amazing life was because I was simply started being myself and all this great stuff was happening around me as a result of that. I was adored and opportunities just came effortlessly. I was BACK!

So almost a year later of distance between myself and Wiseman Nos 3, it looks like our paths will be crossing once again. My natural tendency is to go on the defense and fight him aggressively. That I will not give into his chirps at me, his talent at finding an opening in making me feel like an idiot, not lovable and not worthy! Deep down, I know that his power is lost when I get comfortable with who I am on the inside. And it scares me, because I have no idea how I will be around him, how I will feel when he starts with his web weaving and how I will stay strong and true to my version of my TRUTH!

It is working on my last nerve because I do not have a game plan of how I will be when this goes down!?! At this point, all I ask for is that I stay connected to me and have the courage to be me regardless of what he thinks and feels. Lord please send me an angel to help me . . . . . . . . .

The Wiseman Chronicles : Wiseman Nos 3

Created : 24 July 2010 2:15pm
 

Also Known As : Mr Heartbreaker!

Most Attractive Quality : His ability to give you a purpose or quest to complete. He is an achievement. By winning him, you are worth something!

Most Adorable Quality : There is none! He is under your skin and somehow there it results in something you need to approve.  He is built and engineered for cutting edge SEDUCTION!
He Makes me Feel : That there is something to prove or be other than just simply being me AS I AM!
He Resonates with : That part of you that you feel never quite measures up. It is that part of you wish was different so you could be special, sexy and worth being desired and loved!

His charm comes from the web he can weave all around you. He is smooth and inviting and speaks to all those delicious triggers that sit dormant within you. You are sucked into his world where he has all the power. He is the guy your Mama warned you against. Those that will use you, leach you dry and dispose of you when you have lost your usefulness. But somehow you do not see this. You see someone that is so perfect, so beautiful, so accomplished and treasured! If you can get him to love you, adore you, desire you then surely you are worth something! If he just worships the ground you walk on and adores you just as you are, that is all the validation you need that you are worth something. And all that is needed is for him to see you at your best! Your best hair-day, skin-day, intelligent-day, perfect body-day etc Once he gets a taste of your best, he will be hooked for life!

At the Core of Desire:
All that Wiseman Nos 3 really offers is the opportunity to take the effort to accept who you are on the inside. That you are worthy of love as you are. All you need to be is yourself flaws and all! It is when you see that you are special and perfect as you are that Wiseman Nos 3 loses his power over you and your world. He is as good and powerful as you allow him to be. Wiseman Nos 3 teaches that you are lovable and worthy as you are at any moment in your life simply just being you!

Tit Bit : Life as it is now - Part 2

It has been sooooooooooo long since I have poured thoughts and feelings into my blog.  There have been a number of reasons. My internet access has been taken away.  There has been some account mix up and clearing up what needs to happen was not at easy as it seems. So I have no internet outside of work currently until I get this account mix up fixed.  I also went on holiday which meant no internet as well.

This was a blessing in disguise as I got in touch with my journaling.  I could go to some really dark places and get into what was in there.  I do not believe expressing via my blog would have helped me in this case.  And it is good to know that I am the person I am first of which Crazeebee Livin is a part of.  But nourishing and looking after that person allows me the inspiration to keep Crazeebee Livin alive and well.

So no, I have not disappeared just had some technical difficulties that will hopefully be resolved quickly.  I have managed to blog offline and will attempt to post those soon enough.  Just know for now that I have opened to some dark parts to myself, had the best time ever at a quaint little beach town and begin my big adventure which is my brand new project on Monday.

Will be in touch.  Just some loving I am sending to you.

Mwah!

Tit Bit : Life as it is now . . . . . take 1. . . . .

I, Crazeebee . . . . ..

. . . . . . am wrapping up things on my current project. Bitter sweet as I can see my Legacy of what I have accomplished. I can see the bright future of the project that I am now walking away from. I am leaping into a brand new project as its new leadership. I will be responsible for a large amount of people and painting a vision for them to deliver. In the normal scheme of things, in the next 2 years would have seen this happen. It is now in front of me earlier than what was expected and I am jumping in. . . . . .

. . . . . . am gearing up for a mini break away! I will be spending time in the warm KZN area in South Africa by the ocean. This is the east coast of South Africa. I can feel the need for the ocean’s healing properties and anchoring that I am connected to greatness, wisdom and limitless opportunities and blessings . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . am having a little, intimate birthday celebration for my birthday on the 21st July. There will be some old familiar pals and some new additions to the circle. One them being the current Wiseman Nos 8 in my life! Hehehehehehehe. His humor and wit would be soooooo welcome at my party. I love the fact that I get to enjoy the bonds in my life. And that is what at the end of the day makes my Birthday so special. I get to celebrate the bonds I have that allow for honest healing interaction with some very special people . . . . . . . .

. . . . . .have picked up weight again! I guess the penny has still not dropped for me! When you obsessively control an aspect, the minute you breathe and set it free, you will need to swing to the other side before you settle on the happy middle ground. The “pendulum” effect is always in play when you over control an aspect. The minute you let go, expect the swing to the opposite. I fully identify with my Heroine Oprah on her weight battles. I am loving the whole approach of understanding your relationship to food and not to diet! I am drawn to the teachings of Geneen Roth. So will explore that option. . . . . . . .



. . . . . . am seeing a bigger picture to me! I am looking at my talents and celebrating that. I am paying more attention to what brings me pleasure and looking at more of those moments in a given day . . . . . .

. . . . . . am enjoying some interesting times with my family. For some reason, there are now rewarding, special moments creeping in. My relationship with my Dad is moving from protected, highly sensitive and superficial to one of deeper meaningful chats. One where he is seeing me for the first time as a person not a child he was lumped that he had to adopt and raise as his own as part of the marrying my Mom package. My relationship with my Mom is moving to one with less secrets, more honest discussion and me being more myself with less fear of hurting her. A new understanding has entered my relationship with my siblings in how the way I judge them is how the world around me judges me! A scary discovery of late. It is not all great moments with my family as I am still working through my anger of feeling this responsibility to making their lives a great quality (sometimes it feels like it is at the expense of my happiness) to live although it really is on them to do so and not me . . . . . .

. . . . . . .have had limited results in The Men space! Well it feels like that! Been a drought over the past few weeks. Both Wiseman Nos 7 and Nos 8 in my life are straight with girlfriends. LOL! How is that for keeping it clean and not complicated? I cannot deny that we have pretty special connections that are really great. We are definitely emotionally connected but not physically. And something tells me that it has something to do with me accepting and approving of my body as it is today! It is linked to me being open to possibilities! It is also linked to me starting to nourish myself they way I lovingly nourish my work, my teams, my family and friends! And let me tell you that the resistance is strong in this department! So onward I press on! And NO, I am under no illusion of when I achieve the right mindset that these men magically turn gay! I appreciate that they are merely messengers of aspects I need to note . . . . . . . .



. . . . . . . . celebrate gratitude, love and a blessed existence up to now. May it continue as I journey on.

xoxo

The Wiseman Chronicles : Wiseman Nos 8

Also Known As : Mr Personality or Mr Character or Mr Heart!
Most Attractive Quality : His ability to make conversation and moments effortless, free flowing and funny! You are relaxed and no topic is off the table. You laugh and you laugh good!  You can feel connection and a pull to something deeper!
Most Adorable Quality : His way of seeing the world. It pulls you in!
He Makes me Feel : Connected to something very special . . . .
He Resonates with : The feeling side of you. That place where really your closest friends get to inside of you when all the defenses are down.  You can feel his energy, appreciate a good laugh and see the world with new eyes.

His charm comes from his wit, humor, intelligence and ability to make you feel comfortable. He can take you on a journey simply by sharing how he sees the world. You end up laughing quite a bit and no matter what is happening in your life, some time with him has a way of making the world better, lighter and fun. You may catch yourself having a vision of him as a  husband and the one that will be around when you old and there he still is, holding your hand making the world seem better with his perception of it.

Time and the rest of the world disappear around him. You are pulled into an alternate reality as he weaves stories and shares his views and you cannot really explain how you manage to soak it all in. You are rather engaged when dealing with him and you cannot believe that someone like him is packing such an awesome character / heart! Definitely the feeling of getting to indulge in the delicious centre of a chocolate. An unexpected delicious surprise from what you expected!

At the Core of Desire:
This is someone that sees through all the packaging to the heart of what makes you. This is at your soul level where you able to just be loved for what you have inside rather than how it all comes together on the outside. When you are seen for what you are inside, it is a powerful version of sexy that transcends all the bullshit of what you think beautiful is. It comes down simply that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you believe it when you around Wiseman Nos 8.

The Hero\Champion in us all!

I have been very drawn to the concept of people having superpowers / relying on their gifts or strengths! So I have been indulging in TV series such as Heroes, the World Cup matches and Wimbledon. I have been loving how people discover their “gifts” and leverage them. I love how some know what is their strength is and that they can take on a situation, trust in their strengths and apply them. They trust that by consistently applying their strengths, the rest will take of itself! So I am at a place where I am looking to discover, recognize and celebrate the talent/strength that we beings possess. What has been blessed to us that enable us to add a richness to life in the way we experience and navigate. The essence of what makes us the Hero\Champion in our lives!


Imagine that you had a set of superpowers that you we unaware of. And then at a point in your life, a light gets switched on. And before you know, you start becoming aware of what you are capable of. Yes there are parts of this discovery that are scary but then you allow it to play out and before you know it, you start understanding what you are capable of and then the fun of living life starts! Imagine how life would be once the lights are switched on and you can start seeing and understanding your superpowers in action!

It truly speaks to the concept of know thy talents and put them to work as that is where the strength in your life lies. We have those aspects to us that come effortlessly, feed purely off instinct and energize us as we give into the flow and simply ride the wave. How would you see the world, if you started applying some awareness to how you are when you in the moment, flowing freely, getting a energizing buzz from what you doing and when it all is just happening through you effortlessly?

I am not surprised that I stumbled across Marcus Buckingham recently. I will admit that I am intrigued by his notion of focus on your strengths and take them to the next level versus working on those weaknesses to be a fully all rounded individual. If you look at superheroes, all they really do is hone the craft of their strengths, manage around their weaknesses and partner with other superheroes that pick up where their weaknesses exist. Marcus goes into speaking on those topics.

I am most intrigued by the Strengths Finder. I took the test and was not surprised by what came back. I did feel like the lights where switched on. Like I had some context to what I do when I am navigating through my life. What is interesting for me, is that I spent a lot of energy suppressing who I am. I think a large part is that I figured who I was, basically hurt people and if I was ever going to have special people that stick around that I needed to work on being a better person. So what according to Marcus is a naturally blessed talent to me, is what I considered as a bad part within me.

I do see why I prefer the person I get to be at work. It plays to my strengths and talents. I am celebrated when I compete to win, want to shine and stand out amongst the masses, want to give structure and clarity to what is around me, personally invest myself in whatever I do and take on responsibility to the bitter end and the necessary sacrifice as a result of the feeling of obligation. My work environment celebrates and provides me with countless opportunities which probably explains my workaholic tendencies.

My personal life seems right now in my head not to celebrate what turns me on and charges me. That is probably because I feel that being that person in my personal life could be a bit overwhelming to others. I am either intimidating, coming across as judgmental or being a complete doormat (better than my aggressive take charge nature). And I am beginning to see why. I do edit some parts of me to “protect” those in my personal life. This is probably the part I need to start making peace with. What makes me strong needs to be understood more and I can integrate that into my personal life!

So I am all for us fellow superheroes becoming aware of our powers/gifts/talents/strengths and putting them to work for our highest good and bliss. This is where I am feeling a shift within me. A shift to start focusing on what is great about me is happening. I understand that there is balance and that the Shadow has its place.  But it is part of the journey of discovery and enlightenment.  What better place to start than with my God bestowed talents . . . .

Here is to us superheroes discovering the joy of leveraging our superpowers! xoxo