But I am loving how with age, my eyes have become kinder and my jury has become one of encouragement rather than curse and condemn to the ugly/disgusting farm! Those inner critics are losing their sharp edge and becoming more that supportive yet honest friend that I have always yearned for. Some of them are dying as their power supply stops (previously fed by my shocking beliefs) and are silenced forever!
But this is what is confusing for me. It was about two months where I had some bad encounters in front of the mirror. It is customary for me now to strip in front of a mirror before I shower and about two months ago, a particular inner critic was back from retirement spitting venom and disgust all inside my head! I was living in Cape Town. I was on assignment there for a month. I believe that hotel living by the sea brought out my holiday spirit especially when it came to eating. I guess this inner critic just could control himself and had to engage in a field day whenever my reflection presented itself!
Being the outcomes based driver that I am! (personality profile also known as super B1tch/heartless Bastard who only worries/cares about the outcome not the person or means to getting the outcome) I hired a personal trainer immediately to "inspire" me back on track.
Thankfully, my trainer is lava hot so I am truly inspired to do my best and tempted brilliantly to do that extra set or exert that extra effort. God forbid all the lines I am getting on my face from strain and that butch side I never knew I had when I grunt in pain or spew some ugly words in some attempt to summon some source to help push/pull those damn weights!!
So it is a month later!
I am fitter as I am now able to burn lots of calories in one cardio session which includes a 2 km run, 2 km row and 1 km cross trainer/30 flights of stairs if I am in the mood for the StairMaster! (that is without mr trainer as inspiration and me walking around like it was nothing!) I also am less b1tchy to my trainer when I am asked to lift heavy weights or do the extra rep! I have progressed from b1tchy banter and WTF are you on????????? to OK, bring it on! I just love progress! Just lets me know that adapting and evolving are natural talents that the Universe blesses us humans with!!! Yum!
So now the inner critic is a bit more kinder when I strip down in front of the mirror. He is loving the toned legs, the firming a$$ and the shrinking BOEP! Although still harsh on the BOEP taking forever to disappear and the boobs that really should be pecs!?! Ja Ja, I am going on my trainer's words, "just Breathe, it won't be long now. Just keep going!"
But I am more on being kinder to myself when I look in that mirror! Yeah I am sure those endorphins play a role from all that activity and that the "oh so good feeling of accomplishment" makes it all look good when D Time comes in front of the mirror. But when I am 55 and not the mood to strain, run and do all that activity???? When my butt does say to gravity YOU WIN, and my BOEP says, give up already and let me be!! I am left with my particular inner critic who will definitely come out retirement to be b1tch galore!!!!!!!!!!!
I see a pattern, no endorphins from physical activity = harsh inner critic!!!???!!!
So I am all for being real with me! Yes if I am fat then I should be able to tell myself this. But there comes a maturity of dealing with truth that is not nasty, harsh or leaves you bleeding! And yes thank God on many levels a majority of my inner critics have retired / died purely because I stopped power supply to them or placed a nifty band aid on the situation.
But alas some still remain and I still engage with them when my reflection presents itself to me to love and accept.
So here is to cutting power supply to those inner critics that are no good for me and being brave to rip off the band aids and deal with the critics head on because at the end of the day, I see basing my bliss of looking in the mirror and loving what I see as temporary. As long as I am progressing, overdosing on endorphins and seeing my body manifest my hard work - I am happy! Maybe a consideration is to look at a concept and base my bliss on something that is eternally mine to keep and that this world cannot touch?
Breathe! It won't be long now!
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